Blondes Have Thoughts Too

"There's no love in fear."-tool lyrics
"If it doesn't help, it harms."-screenplay advice from professor and dept of communications.

thus, if fear is not love, then it doesnt help and it harms, so i must let it go. love does bring about fear but the ironic part is we fear the lack of love and then react by pushing it away, saying we will be better without it. its ironic and quite illogical. so whats the use of fear other than making us illogical creatures that run instead of lead and act as a hero, brave and courageous.

and for family:

at one point you have to believe you are your own separate person, seperate from and a your own being despite the genetic and environmental raising your family gave you.

We remember a changer of worlds by the death he came to. Why do we not remember our most favorite action of them? With Martin Luther King Jr. we do, our favorite speech, since most can agree on that. However, I watched a speech about MLK Jr. and he was about more than the race issue. He wanted to equalize wealth, spread the wealth and have more peaceful international affairs. We remember what is easiest to live up to. God forbid we try to live up to trying to spread the wealth, we'd end up poor, wouldn't we? We wouldnt be able to play the consumers that we have been trained to be, wanting everything and never ending our wanting for something new. Why is the Last Supper paintings only seen in the banquet hall of churches and museums. A wonderful story about him and saved for the quaint association of eating with him. Thus, we must die like he dies on the cross as we worship him? or martyr as he martyrs, know we are going to die before our dreams are realized, our dreams of a peaceful existence and world. Only difference was Jesus did, I'm guessing however, gain a peaceful existence, tho he may have had different dreams for the world.

It's upsetting is all. And I am trying to realize the effects of the Western culture, much shaped by the Christian religion and churches, on my mind. The subconcious effects i cant realize. It pisses me off, truthfully, that a religion i dont believe in will still effect my subconcious because its being embedded in the western culture. still must find out how this effects my world view and personal mindset. its still very vague for me.

Acknowledge that there needs to be a change and that you are able to create that change.

Research how to change it, the minute details to work on and what exact actions will help.

Practice those actions over and over.

Live with those new actions and attention to detail. Make it your mantra until it becomes a habit and is incorporated into your life.

Now that you've succeeded, decide to change something else.

Time, that's my problem. When I go to sleep, I think about the entire past day which leads further to my past and old haunts. Then I think of the next day and what i have to get ready for, all of which i cant do since im about to go to sleep, i cant set anything up so why bother? what i did when i slept well was go to this meditative place where time just stopped. sort of like it didnt exist but more to the point that it just stopped, gave me power that i really dont have but i must believe that it happens, that time stops in my meditative places. thats where i have to go, mentally. anyway, just needed to get that thought out.

So I'm stressed but its minor things, I just don't want it to bog me down. It's the normal routine and I just have to rise above it but the first step is to realize how I feel, see whats causing it, change what I can and rise above what I can't by meditation, reasoning, or going into another world. thats my goal and plan. the real goal is closer to the buddhist goal but that comes with a lot of meditation.

So everyone around here is really low on sleep and their all exhibiting the crankiness that we've all known are in all of us, but theyre all cranky at the same time, driving me nuts. its crazy to see it all and have no way to change things, just directly get at the problem and tell 'em all to cut it out. Ive tried that approach, doesnt work. nope, around here, with my fam, im the quiet one, not really by choice either, just by necessity to keep myself sane and keep myself out of the mix. thats why ive become so private and quiet, no other reason...other than social anxiety with others. but once im comfortable, im not quiet, im not private, not really. i wanna explode with everyone, with all my info. maybe only because i couldnt with my family. been talking to my bf, and weve both come to similar decisions, it was really the first mutual goal we both had at the same time. it was really amazing for me, like butterfly trembles in my heart. its nice and fuzzy, funny. anyway, we both decided we both wanna work on being quieter, to take a step back from the situation and look at it from really far away. i wanna care about only things that make me happy and good. we both just wanna be quieter. i wanna be able just to gain the skill so that i can turn it off and on when i want. that way its still my decision and just another way to gain a little more control, over things that i can control. im walking a fine line with that, not trying to control what i cant and finding out that i can control what i thought i couldn't beforehand. like harnessing emotions for acting and all.

k so this looks like a mess. rambling but i got most of the stuff out. i dont wanna go into the specifics, or not too much. the usual short tempers and tolerances around here. i guess thats all i can say. so, im gonna concentrate on how close me and my bf are, how weve got a personal goal to reach, (its the journey that counts more than the end, so just striving for something sets me alive), create my own world (fu needs some rebuilding, problem is I dont know where i fit in anymore), create my own house within my head, my home that i can bring with me instead of changing homes so often (college life, moving every semester is starting to kill me). its not the only thing thats tried to kill me, i am more than this, i have to just step away and up. i am not a part of this.

Iraq is killing me, I'm starting to understand both sides. We do not want ethnic cleansing to happen but its not our country and we have problems enough running our own country. while people are attacking our troops there, if we take them out, will the attacks come back to the us? isnt it a bit selfish or necessary since we built an army for a reason, to sacrifice soldiers to keep the war out off our land. i dont know anymore. politics is killing me. i want out, im done, theres nothing that can help the entire system of politics, in every country. im out, but im going into the real human interests, if govt wants to help with charities and the real problems, then let them, but i have no faith in their help anymore. nor do i have faith in big businesses and rich people, but i do have faith in my own persuasion techniques and the fact of media and economy, some things, when observed correctly, can help you predict the pattern of things.

k, thats it, sorry for the rambling. really doesnt allow one to provide a good ending to things. hope my life brightens up and good luck with yours.

Good pts of sleeping late and getting to bed late: I can take naps during the day, bipolar tips says that I should allow myself this since mania episodes could occur later that night.

I get to write with no interruption, totally isolated and away from the world. I've come to see that I don't get sad over vacation because isolation, really, whenever I'm truly isolated, I'm happy, I'm the most creative and that makes me happy. It's when I'm surrounded by people that I'd rather not be surrounded by at the moment, when I would rather have alone time or a good time with someone else, if I may say, with someone of more quality in my mind. I have finally come to realize the type of people I want to surround myself with and the ones I have now don't cut that new type I have formed. Do I think I'm holding high standards? Definitely. Do I think they are unrealistic? No, I've seen a couple that have fit the bill, though only one have I spent enough time with to be sure.

I miss most of the next day but it's vacation and I shouldn't sweat it too much. I can't think if I wake up earlier I'll go to bed earlier cause I've tried that and it doesn't work. When I need to wake up, I'll wake up, I'll set 3 alarms to make sure I'm up and have a good reason to wake up other than I shouldn't miss most of the day, because I'm not missing the day, I'm just missing everyone else's day, and when did I ever want to live by someone else's standards?

This is more a reassurance for me than anything else, sorry to bore you. I just felt guilty about waking up so late, and the stressors came, not good since those trigger a bipolar episode, of which I am just being observant of and not really caring about them. I'm not diagnosed so the only thing I'm going to take away with me from all that research is to just let things lie. Let an episode occur and know that its just an episode and nothing more, let it happen, let yourself fall or fly and let go of trying to gain control. Let yourself do whatever your body wants to do and not what your head tells you to do. Ok, I guess I'm done with that. It was nice to get all this out. Maybe I'll get something more creative out next time.

Through the fog, she could see, could sense the figure, black hair, short and rounded to her face, a streak of dyed strands to the right of the eyes. Those eyes, they were black and filled with color at the same time, swirls of possibilities created a vortex to be lost in. She wiped away the mist from that clear glass and found more reflection than imagination. She knew that character was there, in her mind and soon to be found in one of her stories. She knew she had inspired a character, more than once, and was a creature of creativity. She had to create.

"

Wow, how cold-hearted can you be? "suicide waiting to happen"? Do you say these things in the real world or are you afraid you'll get punched in the face? Seriously, why do ppl think they can get away with saying the meanest and most unprovoked things on the internet, it's like they're not allowed to be jackasses in real life cause theyll get nowhere with it, but all hell breaks lose once theyre face isnt shown. Pretend to have some self-respect with your s/n, p0479, your making yourself disreputable and uncredible. Take some responsibility for your life, your words and think before you speak or type.