Blondes Have Thoughts Too

So, I have so many things to be happy about, to remind me life is gorgeous, and yet this nagging feeling won't let go, and then, it makes me forget the good things and just makes me plummet, like the dementors did with Harry Potter.

Sorry, I'm keeping this light, at least for now. It's something I haven't told anyone until recently, something I've bottled up for years now and feel like I have to bottle up again, just as the flood was coming out with a few friends. So, it'll take me awhile until the real big things get out of me, the part that has no jokes to tell.

So everyone's sick in my fam, well, not my dad. And I don't have the same sickness as the rest, only like my bf, cough, runny nose, congestion in my chest that makes me cough really deeply, so much it hurts and scratches my chest. It stinks, and I refuse to take the cough suppressents in liquid form, they taste nasty.

So I scared my bf, once again. I always do that. Sometimes I scare him so much he just hugs me so tight and hides his face, as if he's crying. We joke around about scaring each other with commitment but that's not what I'm hurting him with. See, there are parts of me that, well, scare others, make them wish it wasn't even there. I don't let it show obviously. People don't want to see it. But he says he wants to see everything of me, everything about me, but I feel it's hurting him, and I don't want to hurt him, something every girlfriend I'm sure has said. But this is hurting him because of a portion of myself, because of showing him the truth, showing him something he wants to discover every inch of. Usually, you don't want to hurt someone and it's easy because it's also morally wrong.

So, I even hinted at stuff. I've showed him alot already, so he knows. But I can't keep doing it. I've told him to watch me at the party in case I do something stupid. I'm straight edge, so no alcohol or drugs. I don't think I'll do the drugs, I was more afraid of the alcohol, but now that I think bout it, it could be either way. I just want to stop feeling things. Maybe so many people are right, they numb the stupid thoughts, the mad feelings, the emotions that don't even have reasons to exist. My bf was talkin to me bout the alcohol and tellin me that the best way to go through life was with all your senses and havin them unhindered. I even watched Garden State which was all about that. Living life, feeling life, becoming unnumb. But numb is better than what I can become. It's scary what I can become. It scares me, what's goin to happen to the rest. That's why I don't let them know. It's a personal thing that I have to get over first.

I'm listening to "Over" by A Perfect Circle. I feel like I am the composer and when the toy piano is replaced by the grand piano, I am the music, playin the keys as I type the letters out on the screen. "I've been over this before."

I have, 10th, a worst year for most probably everyone. Massive depressive lows, but then back up when I knew I had a reason to be happy. So I was happy, maybe too happy. How can you be too happy? My father always said, "Not too high, not too low." I threw that sayin away because I wanted to feel the greatest joys. Who knew, that that would also mean the worst as well.

I don't like these feelings. I've written plenty of poetry on it but it never suffices. It's only, always, a glimpse.

"If it keeps on raining, the levees going to break.
When the levee breaks, you'll have no place to stay."

Odd, strange words by A Perfect Circle in their newest CD, Emotive, When the Levee Breaks.

But I can't keep on cryin, but I need a release, I need to be numb but I need to feel as well, I need to just be better. AHHHH! It drives me crazy how bi polar, manic depressive, dual-sided, multi-personality, whatever you want to call it, cause I've called it all these things, I hate feeling this way. At least when I'm numb there's some consistency. But I don't want to be numb either.

Sometimes I have voices in my head, you know, like conciences, tellin me to do something, but the twist is, there are more, tellin me its a good or bad idea. It starts with one, then two argueing, then a third with another point of view and the the fourth, really myself, my body, I suppose, is cryin and tellin them to please stop and wanting it all to stop, the thoughts, the voices, but it's the fifth that kinda does it. It screams shut up!!! Sometimes it doesn't work though, and you can imagine the craziness that insues in arguent. But if I busy myself with doing something, not allowing myself to think, then it all goes away. No wonder I was such a good student, I needed to do all that work 24/7 so as not to think my own thoughts. Now, with a little more time on my hands, I come up with other worlds, just to escape my own, I call this writing stories. Whatever, it's therapy, of sorts.

"Oh, I know you jsut think I'm crazy. Your just like, running for the door, aren't you? Go ahead, you can just go." --Garden State

I feel like I'm goin to explode. I'm so conflicted. I hate it. Please, just make it stop, someone. But if I don't let anyone in, how could they even know me, help me? I don't want help really, just for it to stop. But I had this philosophy of truth and all, and was convinced if anyone even tryied slightly, they would know me, they would be able to see me for all I am, even if its a little complicated and crazy. But I'm just such a mess, a ball of knots. You can't even see the center only because the outside, well, everything, is so messed up. The inside started the knots and its just gets worst. Will anyone see me? Will I see me?

I thought I had figured myself out in high school and now in college I can go outside and figure out others. I'm starting to do that, but I'm reverting once again. I don't know who I am? What the hell world??! Well, I guess I'm growing, and I need to keep up with myself, never giving up to figure out who that new person in the mirror is.

I even thought that my boyfriend, who is also my best friend and probably always will be, I thought he would be able to figure me out. But if I can't, how can he? And do I really want to drag him out on this process? I'll make sure with him, I'll ask him, all the time, make sure he's not ready to crack. Boyfriends are just too close once in awhile. I don't want a bad breakup that leaves us not friends. If he's my best friend, maybe he'll have more energy to help me through it all. He would know me the best, even now, he would. I watched Garden State, and they would tell me to stay with him, cause this is life, you can't skip out on it for awhile just to 'figure stuff out.' You just can't skip/miss/get out of life.

Okay, feeling a little better. Gotta talk to my bf. See, before this, I had told him I needed to talk to him, then got him on the phone and didn't say anything about this. I didn't know what to say, if I should say it, or just keep on bottling it up. But our relationship has been so great so far because we keep nothin from each other. So, I have to keep on with that, for us. That makes me smile. 'for us' It helps so much when you do something not solely for yourself but for some concept even, that is greater than anything else....*sigh*lol