Tuesday, June 21, 2005
I need this bullshit right now
I'm going through a real hard time right now...I can't even leave my fucking house and it's no one's fault by my fucking own!!! And now he wants to pull this bullshit!! I'm sorry, I love you baby but I need to vent. Obviously we can't be having mental breakdowns at the same time! No, I'll wait, put off my own fear of my own fucking self and help you as best I can and how can I help? Be a friend? Be a fucking friend?!? I thought I was your girlfriend!! I thought I was more than that! I thought I was your best friend! I thought you could give me little more repsonsibility than that! But how can I ask to do anymore for you when you keep pushing me the fuck away from you! Away! On the phone you think a half an hour is enough for the day no matter what we're talking about. Before, I could get to you better, I'd undstand you better but every time I get off that phone I just get more and more confused.
And you're scared of hurting me if you decide to break up with me? I'm glad that if was in there. Why are you thinking of breaking up with me? Is it a possibility? If it is stop pussy footing around me and tell what the problem is and stop fucking thinking about my feelings about something that serious. If it's important enough that you need to break up with me then stop thinking about how I feel. Any girl would have her heart broken to be broken up with. You think it's some nice thing that can happen gracefully? Bullshit!! And if it's not an idea and there's no reason to break up with me then stop thinking about that shit! Stop thinking about how we can fail and start looking at how we can keep at this going. It would be more prosperous and help us in the long run.
I swear, once I get my license, I'm goin on the road, away from my house, my parents, and that stupid phone that I just keep waiting beside for your fuckin call!
I feel so alone and I feel bad that I'm cloistering myself up in my own house with my own problems including my crazy thoughts in my head and my messed up family. But it's not like anyone's callin me, tellin me hey, we're goin here come with us. So what if I lost the initiative. Do I have to do all the work? Guess so. Not even my bf wants to hang out with me. He wants to solve every single fight within his own fam before he can spend any time with me. Wants to please each of his friends and his parents before sneaking off to come hang out with me. Your sneaking!! You don't even have the balls to go to your mother and say, ya know what? I'm going to my fuckin girlfriend and she means the world to me.
But that's just me, ain't it. I'm the only one who feels that way, that can admit it, that will let herself fall that hard. I will, ya know why, because when I hit the bottom, maybe the shock of the ground will wake me up from this sucky life. And ya know what, I think it just did. I was cryin on the bathroom floor calling you an asshole and a bastard for breaking my heart and messin with my feelings. Givin me all those fuckin good memories that make me laugh and smile no matter how much i hate your guts! And ya know what? I'm outta it. I'm outta this funk of stayin in my house. I'm going on AIM without hidin my name or puttin up an away message before anyone can talk to me. I'm gonna go learn how to drive, go wandering in my neighborhood on foot, run till i get lost and then walk back home, get a job where can take an unbelievable amount of hours so I can say, no baby I don't have time to hang out with you that day, or the next or the next. Ya know what, you were right to be afraid that it would be out of your control to have more space, maybe get more space when you didn't want it. Things are out of your control, that's life, but most people take advantage of the good times!!
You fuckin asshole...
And you're scared of hurting me if you decide to break up with me? I'm glad that if was in there. Why are you thinking of breaking up with me? Is it a possibility? If it is stop pussy footing around me and tell what the problem is and stop fucking thinking about my feelings about something that serious. If it's important enough that you need to break up with me then stop thinking about how I feel. Any girl would have her heart broken to be broken up with. You think it's some nice thing that can happen gracefully? Bullshit!! And if it's not an idea and there's no reason to break up with me then stop thinking about that shit! Stop thinking about how we can fail and start looking at how we can keep at this going. It would be more prosperous and help us in the long run.
I swear, once I get my license, I'm goin on the road, away from my house, my parents, and that stupid phone that I just keep waiting beside for your fuckin call!
I feel so alone and I feel bad that I'm cloistering myself up in my own house with my own problems including my crazy thoughts in my head and my messed up family. But it's not like anyone's callin me, tellin me hey, we're goin here come with us. So what if I lost the initiative. Do I have to do all the work? Guess so. Not even my bf wants to hang out with me. He wants to solve every single fight within his own fam before he can spend any time with me. Wants to please each of his friends and his parents before sneaking off to come hang out with me. Your sneaking!! You don't even have the balls to go to your mother and say, ya know what? I'm going to my fuckin girlfriend and she means the world to me.
But that's just me, ain't it. I'm the only one who feels that way, that can admit it, that will let herself fall that hard. I will, ya know why, because when I hit the bottom, maybe the shock of the ground will wake me up from this sucky life. And ya know what, I think it just did. I was cryin on the bathroom floor calling you an asshole and a bastard for breaking my heart and messin with my feelings. Givin me all those fuckin good memories that make me laugh and smile no matter how much i hate your guts! And ya know what? I'm outta it. I'm outta this funk of stayin in my house. I'm going on AIM without hidin my name or puttin up an away message before anyone can talk to me. I'm gonna go learn how to drive, go wandering in my neighborhood on foot, run till i get lost and then walk back home, get a job where can take an unbelievable amount of hours so I can say, no baby I don't have time to hang out with you that day, or the next or the next. Ya know what, you were right to be afraid that it would be out of your control to have more space, maybe get more space when you didn't want it. Things are out of your control, that's life, but most people take advantage of the good times!!
You fuckin asshole...
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