Blondes Have Thoughts Too

I can't take small schools, though I didn't know this school was so small. I miss Sachem and its size, how I could blend, how I didn't have a reputation and never needed one, never needed to worry about one. Just first impressions there and 'have fun while they're around' philosophies. Love them because you've known them for so long, because they are who they are because of their lives. These are the things we knew about in high school, or by high school. Now, everyone has a chance to redefine themselves, and I think I'm doing a bad job at it. I don't want to define myself to anyone but myself, how the hell am I supposed to control what other people think of me? Only how I identified myself ever really mattered. Now...now I worry about what other people think, ick. It's stupid and I knew that way before high school, but high school, yeah I worried a little, but I got a chance to say I don't give a fuck and really not have to care, since I would blend in and not be noticed anyway. The years and people passed by so quickly, there was always a chance to start again. 3 years here, and I can't take it anymore. High school didn't prepare me well, 2 years and then out and gone to the next. I can't take four years in one place, with one set of people that'll pretend they know you when they don't, they don't know where you came from or how you grew up, how you're taking control of your life now, and how much you've changed, of your own volition this time. In college, we should be prideful, we should go back to our high school friends and say congratualations, you got out of the environment that molded you and started to mold yourself. It's our turn to take control, and we're doing as best as we can. I still think I'm doing a good job in this context, just don't like not being surrounded by people who'll love you no matter what the fuck you do. Because that thing that stays the same, whatever it is, they see in you. Everyone else doesn't know yet what stays the same, and its hard to articulate. But no matter if you change your name, residence, aspirations, dreams, traits, personality, philosophy of mind, whatever, you're still you, you still have the same soul.